


KN1GHT OF TH3 L1V1NG D4V3

by koreIndian



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Zombies, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-19
Updated: 2013-03-19
Packaged: 2017-12-05 20:16:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/727492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/koreIndian/pseuds/koreIndian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"...[A]nd then the ships where you are a degraded Hedonism Bot and there is nothing you will not read regarding them, no frontier you will not cross over into, no darkfic epic where Dave and Terezi are sewn together at the butt while being zombies you shall not read." - Noted Tumblr user UrbanAnchorite</p>
            </blockquote>





	KN1GHT OF TH3 L1V1NG D4V3

**Author's Note:**

  * For [urbanAnchorite (t_ZM)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/t_ZM/gifts).



> This is a work in progress - koreIndian

### I

TEREZI: COOLK1D W3 R3ALLY N33D TO L34V3 TH1S SH1THOL3 C1TY  
DAVE: yo hold up teazy-e you need to calm the fuck down  
TEREZI: NO! >:O  
TEREZI: YOU H4V3 B33N T3LL1NG M3 TO “C4LM TH3 FUCK DOWN” FOR TH3 L4ST THR33 W33KS  
TEREZI: 4ND 1 DONT 3V3N UND3RST4ND WH4T TH4T M34NS  
DAVE: weeks? theyre like-  
TEREZI: NO 1M T4LK1NG 4BOUT FUCK-DOWNS  
TEREZI: WH4T 1S 4 FUCK-DOWN? 4ND HOW DO YOU C4LM 1T? >:?  
DAVE: t ill teach you all about fuck-downs later tonight aight?  
TEREZI: STR1D3R!!! NOW 1S NOT TH3 T1M3 FOR S4UCY B4NT3R!  
TEREZI: NOW 1S TH3 T1M3 FOR D3C1S1V3 4CT1ON  
TEREZI: 1 H4V3 P4CK3D TWO B4GS W1TH 3NOUGH PROV1S1ONS FOR S3V3N D4YS  
TEREZI: W3 SHOULD B3 4BL3 TO R34CH M3X1CO W3LL W1TH1N TH4T 4LLOT3D T1M3  
TEREZI: ONC3 W3 M4K3 1T P4ST TH3 DMZ W3 W1LL B3 S4F3 4G41N!  
TEREZI: DO3SNT TH4T SOUND N1C3 D4V3?  
DAVE: no doubt  
TEREZI: TH3N L3TS GO  
DAVE: no  
TEREZI: WH4T??? GOD D4MM1T D4V3 YOUR3 1NFUR1AT1NG   
DAVE: listen t-rex there are four reasons us trynna leave houston aint happening  
DAVE: first: this is a bona-fide zombie apocalypse  
DAVE: and ive seen enough shitty zombie films to know that the protagonists never make it out alive  
DAVE: and we are definitely the heros of this shitty zombie flick  
TEREZI: PROTAGON1STS? H3ROS?  
TEREZI: TH1S 1S R34L L1F3 D4V3 1 TH1NK YOUR3 CONFUS3D  
DAVE: oh excuse me did i say “protagonists” and “heros”?  
DAVE: i meant “brotagonists” and “hebros” is that acceptable?  
TEREZI: Y3S >:D  
DAVE: second: the city is surrounded  
DAVE: all the major highways are flooded with limping undead retards and we arent going to be able to give them the slip  
TEREZI: W3R3 NOT GO1NG TO US3 TH3 H1GHW4YS OBV1OUSLY  
TEREZI: W3R3 TR3KK1NG 1T ON FOOT  
DAVE: oh fuck that i am not going off-road  
DAVE: cause if theres anything scarier than a mob of zombies gangbanging you in a city at daytime  
DAVE: its a zombie clandestinely sneakin up on you in the wild at nighttime  
DAVE: like youre out there in the desert trynna mack on a tin of beans  
DAVE: and then suddenly you get bum rushed by some lone ranger zombie  
DAVE: the john wayne of zombies  
DAVE: and as he bites you on the dick you feel your humanity slip away  
DAVE: and your dying thoughts are “damn i just wanted some beans i didnt ask for none of this shit”  
TEREZI: D4V3 YOUR3 B31NG 4 P4NSY  
DAVE: chill  
TEREZI: 4 M1LK-L1V3R3D WONAN  
DAVE: that aint even me  
TEREZI: “THOU CR34M-F4C3D LOON! WH3R3 GOT’ST THOU TH4T GOOS3 LOOK?”  
DAVE: oh fuck with the shakespeare again  
TEREZI: “GO PR1CK THY F4C3 4ND OV3R-R3D THY F34R THOU L1LY-L1V3R’D BOY”  
TEREZI: 1 APPR3C14T3 YOUR HUM4N SH4K3SP34R3. 3V1D3NTLY H3 TOO W4S 4 CONNO1SS3UR OF R3D D3L1C4C13S  
DAVE: “prick thy face and over-red thy fear”  
DAVE: are you implying what i think youre implying  
TEREZI: >:]  
DAVE: no  
DAVE: fuck no  
DAVE: yo teena turner im not going to let you lick my own blood off my own face  
DAVE: not again  
TEREZI: H3H3H3H3H3H3 >;D~  
DAVE: third: the city is on lockdown  
DAVE: the militias have this metropolis locked tighter than a pickle jar  
DAVE: tighter than a pickle jar wearing tights  
DAVE: tighter than a pickle jar wearing tights walking a tight rope  
DAVE: tighter than a pickle-jar-wearing-tights-walking-a-tight-rope’s asshole  
TEREZI: Y3S COOLK1D TH3 C1TY 1S T1GHT 1 G3T 1T  
TEREZI: BUT TH4TS NOTH1NG 4 COUPL3 W3LL-PLAC3D BR1B3S 4ND MURD3RS C4NT F1X  
DAVE: damn girl thats ice cold  
TEREZI: COLD3R TH4N 4 R4SPB3RRY SNO-CON3?  
TEREZI: COLD3R TH4N 4 R4SPB3RRY SNO-CON3 B31NG 34T3N BY 4 POL4R B34R?  
TEREZI: COLD3R TH4N 4 R4SPB3RRY SNO-CON3 B31NG 3AT3N BY 4 POL4R B34R 1N 4N IGLOO  
TEREZI: P3RH4PS AN 1GLOO...1N SP4CE????? >:O  
TEREZI: Y3S!!! >:D  
DAVE: woman i am going to bear your children  
TEREZI: 4N 1MPOSS1B1L1TY STR1D3R! YOU L4CK TH3 R3L3V4NT ORBS  
DAVE: shit  
TEREZI: SO WH4TS TH3 FOURTH R3ASON FOR NOT F1GHT1NG FOR YOUR L1F3 YOU QU1V3R1NG PUSSY?  
DAVE: fourth: by some strange miracle the citys electricity still works  
DAVE: and you know what?  
DAVE: i just want to spend my last days on earth playing some pikmin with my lady  
TEREZI: 4WWWWWWWWWW  
DAVE: is that too much to ask?  
TEREZI: W3LL 1 SUPPOS3 OUR SCH3DUL3 1S L4X 3NOUGH TO 4CCOMMOD4TE ON3 MOR3 TW3NTY-FOUR HOUR P1KM1N-P4RTY  
TEREZI: H4ND M3 TH3 CONTROLL3R WOM4N  
TEREZI: 1M GO1NG TO TURN TH3S3 P1KM1N 1NTO P1K-M3N!!!! >:O  
DAVE: fucking incredible

### II

DAVE: huh wuh  
DAVE: ey yo tz where are we are we in a fucking sewer?  
DAVE: and why are you carrying me  
DAVE: and why the FUCK are we not playing pikmin  
TEREZI: 1M SORRY COOLK1D BUT 1 B3TR4Y3D YOUR TRUST  
TEREZI: 1 W4SNT PR3P4R3D TO 4LLOW YOUR LUST FOR P1KM1N 4ND SNUGGL3S PUT US BOTH 4T R1SK  
TEREZI: 4S YOU R34CH3D D4Y TW3LV3 OF TH4T 4DM1TT3DLY PR3C1OUS G4M3 1 PUT MY M4ST3R PL4N 1NTO MOT1ON  
TEREZI: 4ND BY M4ST3R PL4N 1 M34N 1 SL1PP3D 4 SOPOR1F1C 1NTO YOUR 4PPL3 JU1C3  
DAVE: you poisoned my juice with your lies and deceit?  
TEREZI: 1T H4D TO B3 DON3  
DAVE: you whore  
TEREZI: W41T YOU 4R3NT M4D?  
DAVE: of course not  
DAVE: i assumed youd pull something like this anyways  
DAVE: it was just nice to have one last normal day with you before shit got real  
TEREZI: D4V3 1M GO1NG TO G3T YOU SO PR3GN4NT  
DAVE: oh my~  
DAVE: dont ever put me down  
DAVE: no seriously dont put me down this is comfy as fuck  
TEREZI: DONT WORRY STR1D3R: TH3 ONLY DOWN 1LL B3 G1V1NG YOU 1S A FUCK-DOWN! >:*  
TEREZI: W41T W41T NO W3 C4N S3XY PR4TTL3 L4T3R  
TEREZI: YOUV3 B33N OUT FOR ONLY 31GHT HOURS 4ND TH3R3S 4LR34DY B33N SOM3 M4JOR 4LT3R4T1ONS TO TH3 PL4NS  
DAVE: changes? shit like what? we aint headin to mexico anymore?  
TEREZI: NO W3 ST1LL 4R3 BUT NOT Y3T  
TEREZI: 3V3N TH3 OFF-RO4DS 4R3 P4CK3D W1TH THOS3 R34N1M4T3D TOOLS  
TEREZI: SO W3 N33D TO L4Y LOW UNT1L TH3 HORD3 CL34RS OUT  
DAVE: swag  
DAVE: so were headin back to my crib right  
TEREZI: C3RT41NLY NOT 1TS W4Y TOO EXPOS3D  
DAVE: so then where are we going?  
DAVE: oh shit is it chuck e cheese?  
DAVE: please say its chuck e cheese oh man  
TEREZI: Y3S 1T 1S CHUCK 3 CH33S3  
TEREZI: 4ND BY CHUCK 3 CH33S3 1 M34N TH3 4L4MO N4T1ON4L L4BS FOR SURG1C4L M3D1C1N3  
DAVE: t were never going to be admitted into a federal facility  
DAVE: the only thing better guarded than them shits are THE BANKS  
DAVE: which really shows were obamas priorities be at  
DAVE: the only good thing to come out of this disaster is how the american public at large has finally smarted up to the fact that obama is a slave to wall street and a vassal of king dollar  
DAVE: DAMN YOU OBAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA  
TEREZI: WOW TH4T 1S SOM3 CUTT1NG 3DG3 SOC14L COMM3NT4RY R1GHT TH3R3 COOLK1D!  
DAVE: after all isnt this apocalypse just a real-life allegory for the DEHUMANIZING EFFECTS OF CONSUMER CAPITALISM?  
TEREZI: 1 SHOULD HOP3 SO!  
TEREZI: OK4Y SHUT UP


End file.
